Dear (younger) Miti,
You’re fat. Admit it. Save us from the misery that you walk around with. For years you’ve hid behind euphemisms that you tell yourself, “You’re just healthy,” “a few kilos overweight, nothing that a diet cannot fix,” and the best one – “you’re just chubby.” Just go ahead and laugh at all these things that people tell you and don’t actually mean.
Admit the fact that you’re fat so that when that boy told you, “You’re fat,” in 8th grade, in the corridor, while you were with your best friend and he with his, you laughed at him while simultaneously breaking down inside.
The thing is, when I look back now, you seem fine. You’re honestly fine. You’re not chubby, or healthy, and most definitely not fat. What you are is skin, and bones, and feelings. Just so much of it. You’re fat because somehow, little by little, you internalized every little thing that was said to you. You’re fat because you really tried to be the thin daughter that you thought your parents always wanted. Even if that meant that you went on some detox diet and fainted in school. Even if that meant that you chose to eat a salad and pretended to enjoy it, while your friends ate fries and all things wonderful, in front of you. You’re fat because you piled all that rejection from the guys you liked, to the schools you failed to get into and the Fs in math, all because you thought you were never good enough. The things is, you just always tried to fix things. And then you burned out, man. The feelings became too much and you completely broke down.
I think back to that incident, in the corridor with that boy, a lot. In a way, he was the only person who was honest enough to tell me the truth. It hurt a lot to hear it. But at least he had the guts to say it. The things is, fuck everyone, until today – yes today – you couldn’t even call yourself fat. Because it would just make everything so real.
FAT. fat. fat. Its such an ugly word, right? I am still like that, y’know? I hate how I look almost 80% of the time.
However, lately, I’ve been blessed with a few moments where I actually have the guts to look at myself in the mirror, and rarely, even smile at myself. When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? And not run at the sight of you? You know, how you touch your palms to really know if you’re there because its the only part of yourself that you actually like? Lately, I’ve also been touching my legs and how strong they’ve started to look.
I run, now. Yes, run. You read it right. I go to the gym, every single day. I avoid eating sweets and I actually like salads now. This is probably all foreign for you, but it is my reality right now. Things have changed. It was a struggle to get here.
Honestly, all this, this new to me, it is still a work in progress. But I’m trying, man! I am trying so fucking hard. And this time, for all the right reasons.
One of my friends asked, “I’m like I need to loose weight but also I need to love myself but also health is important but also don’t change yourself too much.” I didn’t really know what to say to her in that moment. But I do, now. My dear friend, you know who you are, you are perfect the way you are, you know whats best for you. I went to the gym with the intention of becoming fitter. I realized that I could no longer climb the stairs without huffing. I realized that going to the gym helped me release things that are otherwise so hard for me to process. Most importantly, I realized that I don’t have to hide behind my fat, I don’t have to be scared anymore, and that I DO NOT need permission from anyone to be who I want to be. I have this picture in my head, right now, where I can do 20 pull ups. Thats my goal. I know that I am going to feel so fucking strong when I do those pull ups and I’ll feel on top of the world. Thats want I want from all of this. Do what makes you feel strong, beautiful, important, and validated in your own eyes.
Miti, you’re fat, and thats honestly the most beautiful thing about you. The fat Miti is kind, considerate, empathetic, vulnerable, and raw. That are honestly, the most beautiful qualities about you. I love you, your fat, and everything. Thank you for holding on, things are so beautiful on the other side and I cannot wait for you to get here.
Love and love always,
Miti (in the present)