All Nighter

In middle school, I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning just thinking. I contemplated my existence and the world and big life questions like what happens when we die, or what will my life’s purpose be one day. I have always had a boisterous and anxious mind, always pondering, never taking a breather.

I guess that is why, for the first time in close to seven years, I am having a anxious, thinking all nigher. Fun, right?

My greatest fear is failure, and more to a point, I fear the things I have no control over. You can work very hard in life, and it still might just be a dead end. Of course, if you find yourself in a dead end, you logically would turn around and find another path, or climb the wall in your way. I, however, don’t even go to the dead end. I see it from a distance, and I flounder, trying to best pick my path. I forget that all I can do is my very best, and hope that eventually, everything works out.

I am mostly worried about the coming school year. It is only my third year, and I am very intent on making it my last. It will be difficult, but I may just pull it off. Worst case, I need an extra semester to finish school–this is something I have yet to be willing to accept as a possibility. This is tied to the movie I watched just hours ago, called A Thousand Words. In short, the main character finds that his days are numbered, and until he accepts that he might die, he does not find peace.

I need to make peace with failure. I might work and hack at and try so very hard for the next nine months, and it might not be enough. That is painful for me, as school is not enjoyable. This summer has tested my resilience in what I am able to power through in terms of work I don’t like, and I survived. One more semester at school is not fun, but until I accept that it may be in my cards, I will not find peace. Is it worth living a whole year in fear and anticipation of failure, when instead, I can accept it as possible and move on with my life?

More pondering thoughts,

Marta

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