But is that such a terrible thing? Probably not.
Ever since I met you I always thought you were above me. In every matter especially considering the fact that you’re pretty and smart. I was eager to approach you and make you a part of my tiny circle. But the friendship came with a burden, disguised as, envy and sometimes jealousy. I was always mystified by how nice and kind you were to everyone. You never hesitated to express your love and affection towards anyone.
Even with all the baggage in our friendship I became your close friend, I would even consider you one of my best friends. Our friendship was much different than a one I had previously experienced. We exchanged music, books, ideas, dreams. It was refreshing to meet someone who understood all of that. But there was also a part of me that always felt little, a part which never felt good enough to be your friend. In my head, the friendship was always one sided.
Then that terrible thing happened and I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. But I reached out because even though my perspective about your situation was muddled by all these perceptions about our friendship, I knew you needed a friend. For the first time, I was honest about my life to you. I did not hide it under the pretext that you’ll disown me or think of me as weak. Because I thought that you finally understood what it felt like to hit rock bottom. To finally understand the dark abyss that I inhibited. And in return you did that too. We build a support system by community through letters, emails, calls and over lunches. It was great. For a while I felt equal.
Was I feeling equal because something worse happened to her? Was I feeling equal because for once I could one up her?
Then the days went by, then months and then almost a year. Things were completely different. I was in a different country. Trying to settle down and you had dived head first into work, family and college. Then you visited me in NYC. It still remains the top 10 favorite friend moments in my life. I had changed by then, I was more sure of myself, more sure of who I was. It reflected in our friendship.
Then both of us started changing, we had a solid friendships in our respective colleges (countries). We had different priorities. We messaged sporadically but we did not get past the small talk. It was frustrating for me. Since you’re not the most open person – texting and emails became redundant. As my self confidence grew, the lack of interest and communication from your end became frustrating. You increasingly forgot to reply to my messages. I felt like a possessive boyfriend trying to get ahold of his partner. When we met over the summer, things were awkward and icky. We had boundaries now, different perceptions and life. It became harder to connect. But in a weird way still felt like home.
As I am processing this feelings right now I keep thinking about how you’re always at the back of my mind. How I have tortured myself to keep on hating you. To continuously find reasons to not be friends with you. But the thing is, there aren’t any. I cannot hate you because I know you’re a good person. Because you’ve always seen the best in me and understood me in a way no one else has. I admire you, considering by the way you’ve handled things. By the way you’ve not let that tragedy stop you from living your life and getting what you want. I admire you.
I have whined and complained about this a million times with A and M. I guess I assumed talking about it would bring the much needed closure. Then my father said to me, ‘friendships are like that. Learn to accept it and let go of this anger. Its taking up your energy. You except it to be the way you want it to be. Learn to be there for each other when you need the most and don’t expect. Expectations often deceive you.’
In the end, I ask myself this – Am I a terrible person? Probably, for talking about this with everyone and blaming you for something that you have no idea about, or no idea that you even did that. But is that such a terrible thing? Probably not. I am aware of what I did and now I’m admitting to it.
So the conclusion is that I really want you in my life. You’re an important part of it. I don’t want to end it in spite of something and nor because I’m ashamed to admit that I was partially at fault. I guess I needed someone to tell me to get over it. I needed someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and open my eyes.
So MJ, I would like to thank you for teaching me the true value of friendship. Thank you for being someone who has taught me so much. Thank you for making me realize the baggage I’ve been holding on to. I hope you’re happy doing whatever you’re doing!