This weekend, besides coming to the conclusion that I would not want to live on campus next year, I decided something big: graduate even earlier than I had planned. Now, late nights in my house, by myself in my room are always comforting. But after the last couple of weeks, I knew that my heart was demanding some kind of change. I spent so much time trying to make everything right now okay, but I finally exploded and allowed myself to see what I really wanted: to get out of school ASAP, and get on with my life.
I am the type of person who needs to have an overarching goal. I’m also the type of person to get really worked up about my future, though I am slowly letting that go. Miti and I always talk about how everything in your life is your choice, and that no one but ourselves dictates the path we may take. Right now, I am terrified and anxious and excited, but I know that no matter what I end up doing, I will not be alone. I also love the prospect of new paths and great change in my life, but am always terrified when I make a real decision. I have this ‘oh, shit. I’m actually doing the thing I thought up in my brain, like, for real.’
That was what went through my brain when I got my tattoo in South America last minute. That was what went through my heart when I decided to jump full into my relationship with Shaun. That is what is going through my mind right now, thinking about what I am about to do:
- Quit my job as an RA, effective after this semester.
- Pile on the classes to graduate in one year, instead of one year and a half.
- Continue being awesome, stick with my babe, and be brave.
It is scary for me to think about the future, but I want to be brave. This isn’t some three day thought process to get something inked onto my body forever, or a month-long sorting of feelings for Shaun before actually dating him. It is a one year commitment that is going to be a lot of work, scarier than a roller coaster, and more exciting than anything I have ever done before. I just have to remember that I am not alone, and that it is time for me to be brave.