The Stress Comes to an End

This week has been… arduous. Not in the sense that it has been the most difficult week of my life, though that could very well be true. I’m a little confused, and all of the goals and drive I had seem to have left me. I’ve tried pulling out of it with diagrams and pro/con lists on my walls, but I think this time, writing is the only thing that’ll bring me out of this funk.

In manymanymanymany blog posts previous to this one, I’ve questioned school. Miti has, too. I know it’s just part of the college or growing up experience, and usually I am pretty good at reframing my thoughts to get me through yet another hour of class. But this week? I have spent every day trying to make going to the school I go to. The worst part? I have yet to be successful.

I love that I get to go to college, I really do. I love learning, and having a chance to express myself creatively and working on really cool projects. I have a problem, though. I want to be in a creative field. I am a writer and have always been a writer. I want to make the world a better place by sharing the unheard stories and going to those places around the world that need help most. I’m good at working with people; I am good at picking up languages; I love having a specific project and goal, and using all of the energy I have and more to accomplish it.

So I decided to study sociology.

The catch? I am required to minor in business. I declared my minor as global supply chain management, which is really interesting stuff. I kept telling myself that I would use it to work in Fair Trade enterprises, and use the position to go to the countries where cocoa farms exist and get to know the people—so that I can write their stories and understand their culture and make their living better and fair.

A couple of weeks ago, it truly dawned on me that I could never be happy just being a piece in someone else’s company. Maybe a nonprofit, but even then, I would want to strike out on my own. I have too many ideas in my head that I want to pursue, and a full time job would deter me from achieving those goals. And then my supply chain introductory course? Well, it turns out I wasn’t that interested in supply chain after all.

So then I went all over the Internet, took one too many personality quizzes to determine what your major should be (marketing, environmental policy, and entrepreneurship, apparently). I searched through the business minors offered at my school. I made a diagram on my wall, mapping out what it would take to change my minor now that I was finishing my sophomore year, and would be a junior by next semester. I fell onto entrepreneurship. This is where I got stuck.

Would I take a million and one business courses, learn everything I can about running my own business, and then do just that? I’ve faltered on deciding, but my gut keeps dragging me that way, to entrepreneurship. And I’m scared; for the first time in a long time, I am scared of how my decision will might sway others to perceive me differently, and I am scared of their expectations being too high and me not being able to fulfill them.

But now, just now, it is dawning on me. Am I doing this to impress everyone else, or am I doing this for me? I’m scared of being stuck at a 9 to 5 job, but I am equally terrified of failing if I do things on my own. I guess that’s half the fun though!

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