This week has been… arduous. Not in the sense that it has been the most difficult week of my life, though that could very well be true. I’m a little confused, and all of the goals and drive I had seem to have left me. I’ve tried pulling out of it with diagrams and pro/con lists on my walls, but I think this time, writing is the only thing that’ll bring me out of this funk.
In manymanymanymany blog posts previous to this one, I’ve questioned school. Miti has, too. I know it’s just part of the college or growing up experience, and usually I am pretty good at reframing my thoughts to get me through yet another hour of class. But this week? I have spent every day trying to make going to the school I go to. The worst part? I have yet to be successful.
I love that I get to go to college, I really do. I love learning, and having a chance to express myself creatively and working on really cool projects. I have a problem, though. I want to be in a creative field. I am a writer and have always been a writer. I want to make the world a better place by sharing the unheard stories and going to those places around the world that need help most. I’m good at working with people; I am good at picking up languages; I love having a specific project and goal, and using all of the energy I have and more to accomplish it.
So I decided to study sociology.
The catch? I am required to minor in business. I declared my minor as global supply chain management, which is really interesting stuff. I kept telling myself that I would use it to work in Fair Trade enterprises, and use the position to go to the countries where cocoa farms exist and get to know the people—so that I can write their stories and understand their culture and make their living better and fair.
A couple of weeks ago, it truly dawned on me that I could never be happy just being a piece in someone else’s company. Maybe a nonprofit, but even then, I would want to strike out on my own. I have too many ideas in my head that I want to pursue, and a full time job would deter me from achieving those goals. And then my supply chain introductory course? Well, it turns out I wasn’t that interested in supply chain after all.
So then I went all over the Internet, took one too many personality quizzes to determine what your major should be (marketing, environmental policy, and entrepreneurship, apparently). I searched through the business minors offered at my school. I made a diagram on my wall, mapping out what it would take to change my minor now that I was finishing my sophomore year, and would be a junior by next semester. I fell onto entrepreneurship. This is where I got stuck.
Would I take a million and one business courses, learn everything I can about running my own business, and then do just that? I’ve faltered on deciding, but my gut keeps dragging me that way, to entrepreneurship. And I’m scared; for the first time in a long time, I am scared of how my decision will might sway others to perceive me differently, and I am scared of their expectations being too high and me not being able to fulfill them.
But now, just now, it is dawning on me. Am I doing this to impress everyone else, or am I doing this for me? I’m scared of being stuck at a 9 to 5 job, but I am equally terrified of failing if I do things on my own. I guess that’s half the fun though!