I haven’t been very honest with myself, I mean I have been honest but there was always an edge to how honest I was with people. I am honest and real in a way that I won’t play games with you and genuinely look out for you. But I am never honest about how I feel, be it – angry, hurt, frustrated and even HAPPY. There is something that is so intimidating about putting yourself out there. I was just not ready to do it; that is until today.
So, here it goes:
Confession #1 – totally misspelled confession. I am secretly not very good with spelling. Thank god for autocorrect and google.
Confession #2 – I have been going to a life coach. I honestly define life coach as being a mentor, definitely not a therapist, my life coach is just there to let me figure things out on my own while occasionally pointing me in the right direction.
Confession #3 – I cried for the first time in over a year today.
Confession #4 – I am angry. I am thinking of calling my journal a burn book. And I am done pretending that my journal is some curated momento about my life but it is going to very nasty, brutal and basically an outlet for all my anger.
Confession #5 – I am learning and I am so bloody confused. I have taken a gap year, did my first year of college in a school which was so good for me but I knew that’s not where I wanted to be and now I am going to my dream school but I still don’t know what I am doing.
Confession #6 – the only thing that terrifies me about college is travelling alone, especially the taxi ride from the airport to the college. I have never done this before.
Confession #7 – I am trying to love myself. I can’t say I am successful yet but I know that its taking me where I want to be.
Confession #8 – I have depression? I have had depression? I am 1000x better than I was 3 years ago.
This is a start, I just have so much to think about and so much to be angry and hurt about. Stuff that been locked inside me for YEARS! It’s going to take time to sort out the mess but it’s gonna look pretty damn good once I am done cleaning it.
Here’s to everyone out there that are so afraid to say anything. I am with you. I understand. You’ll get there and that day you’ll feel like you’re walking on a cloud.